Things not to do at Hogwarts 1

771 Things I am not aloud to do at Hogwarts

Section One – Professors, Authorities Figures, and Classes

1. The average landspeed of an unladen swallow is not relevent to my Arithmancy assignment.

2. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums". Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

3. I am not authorised to sell nude picture of the faculty to students. Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

4. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

5. I am not to leave my mobile phone on Loud during class.  Nor am I aloud to play dramatic music from any my mobile during Potions class. Nor am I aloud to play the theme song to Batman when the dark mark appears.

6. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

7. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

8. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

9. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".

10. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them. Especially not all of them at once.

11. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

12. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing."

13. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower. Likewise the satellite dish.

14. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

15. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.


16. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."

17. If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

18. I will promise to stop intoning, "Believe it . . . or not!" after Dumbledore's speeches.

19. I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.

20. Running a pool on how big Snapes trouser snake is just on nose size alone... is funny. Him finding out? Not so much

21. I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.

22. I will not go to class skyclad.

23. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

24. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

25. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

26. I will not stack Professor Trelawny's tarot deck so that the first five cards are The Devil, The Tower, The Hanged Man, Judgement and Death. I will not play poker or bridge with Professor Trelawny's tarot deck. I will not replace Professor Trelawny's tarot deck with the Thoth deck. Or a deck of pornographic playing cards. And especially not the Mage deck.

27. I cannot ask Professor Snape to call me Maryanne. Nor can I tell him that I prefer wildflowers to hothouse blooms.

28. When asked to demonstrate "Muggle technology" by other students, I will not use C-4 and Professor Snape's lab to do so.

29. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

30. Sirius Black is not #24601.

31. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

32. Hebrew is an acceptable substitute for Latin. Esperanto is not

33. I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

34. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."

35. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.

36. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.

37. Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my nigga'.

38. Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley

39. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

40. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as "Kitchen Stadium".

41. I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.

42. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you fucking Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time

43. Asking Tonks to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex is just plain cruel and evil

44. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

45. Adding the name "Bueller" to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. Mad Eye Moody is not related to One Eyed Willy. Nor are One Eyed Willy jokes appropriate during class.

49. Bringing fortune cookies to Diviniation class does not count for extra credit.

50. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

51. I will stop pestering Prof. Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.

52. I will not give catnip to Mrs. Norris. Now matter how funny the outcome is.

53. Under no circumstances will I greet Prof. McGonagell by inquiring, "What's new, pussycat?"

54. I will not ask Firenze if he can get me Mr. Ed's autograph. Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Diviniation class.

55. I will not sing "She's a bad mama jama" when Ms. Umbridge passes by.

56. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

57. I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.

58. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.

59. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.

60. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).

61. During Divinations classes, I will refrain if at all possible from speaking in tongues.

62. I will not challenge Umbridge to a tap-dancing contest. Neither will I ask her if she knows the Hedgehog Song.  If she does not, I will refrain from singing it to her.

63. I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.

64. Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not recommended.

65. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."

66. Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.

67. Do not ask Professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus".

68. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).

69. I will not replace any ingredient in the potions classroom with new Folger's Coffee.

70. Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.

71. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.

72. In Divination class: I will not say that I see Death...and that she is a hot goth chick.

73. Reenacting "The Tempest" will not get me extra cedit in History of Magic, or any other class. Neither will "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

74. Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is, is not permitted.

75. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

76. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

77. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

78. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a "Big Black Sex Auror".

79. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. It was not an honest mistake.

80. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. Even if I brought enough for everyone. Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

81. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

82. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale."

83. Chemistry and Potions don't mix. Testing this last is not funny.

84. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press

85. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

86. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

87. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

88. I will not suggest that Professor Trelawney is "talking out of her arse."

89. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever gone into heat.

90. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

91. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

92. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

93. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

94. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

95. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

96. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a ___ out of my hat!" during Charms class.

97. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

98. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster," not "My Liege".

99. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

100. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

101. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

102. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

103. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

104. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

105. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather. Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

106. I am not to ask if Lord voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.

107. I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

108. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

109. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient. *scoffs* n00bs.

110. I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

111. The proper use of the library's Copying Charms is to make personal study copies of educational materials, not to duplicate adult publications.
112. Must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days

113. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

114. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

115. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

116. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

117. I am not the wicked witch of the west. I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

118. I will not melt if water is poured over me. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

119. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class. Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

120. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

121. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

122. Must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum". Nor Professor Snape.

123. Must not refer to Professor McGonagall as "Dad".

124. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors. Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects. Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

125. Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

126. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

127. I will not rewrite the entire history of Alchemy by referring to the Philosopher's Stone as the "Sorceror's Stone."

128. I am not to sing the entire Multiplication Rock series during Arithmancy exams.

129. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

130. Professor Snape is not and never has been a 'sexy bitch'.

131. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

132. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.
133. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

134. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

135. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'. I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group. Especially not with kazoos.

136. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

137. 'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis. Especially not with Mrs. Norris. Not with Professor McGonnagall either.

138. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

139. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher. I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

140. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable. Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'. Or 'I'm too sexy'

141. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.

142. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

143. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.
144. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".

145. I am not allowed to give Professor Trelawney a book on trepanning.

146. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

147. I vill not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

148. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

149. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

150. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile

151. I will not ask if Professor Lupin or Professor McGonagall has had all his shots.

152. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.

153. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off. Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class. Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

154. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

155. Please do not refer to Dumbledore as Methuselah.

156. Professor Snape does not look handsome in cornrows.

157. Those BSDM sex toy magazines do not belong to Professor McGonagall. "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" is not going to change McGongall's mind.

158. Am not allowed to train my frog to attack prefects and/or professors.

159. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles

160. I will not ask Professor McGonngall if she can get me into any good law schools. Nor will I ask to pet her as a pussy.

161. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

162. "What-ho lawn ornament" is not a proper greeting for Professor Flitwick either.

163. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

164. Never ever ask Professor Snape where he currently keeps his Rocky. Likewise for his corsets.

165. Professor Snape does not have PMS and I should stop telling everybody that he does.

166. I will not joke that professor Flitwick went to "charm school."

167. Never ask Professor McGonagall if she can fly with an umbrella with a parrot on the end. Never, ever, ever test this.

168. Never ask Professor Flitwick where he keeps his battle axe.

169. I will not trick Professor Trelawney into calling Miss Cleo. Even if I tape the conversation for Professor McGonagall. Even if Professor McGonagall laughs.

170. I am not authorized to form an elite squad of prefects with authority over professors.

171. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

172. I will not stalk Professor Snape. I am not to stalk any Weasley or Malfoy wither. Potter too. I may, however, stalk Neville Longbottom with impunity, as he will appreciate the attention.

173. I cannot refer to Cornelius Fudge as the "Minister of Silly Walks".

174. Even though Professor Lupin does get "that time of the month", it is inappropriate to point it out.

175. Professor Lupin's curriculum vitae does not include employment at anyplace named "Guilty Pleasures". Nor does it include residence in St. Louis, MO. Or anywhere else for that matter.

176. Our Transfiguration teacher should be called Professor McGonagall, not "Pussy Galore".

177. It is none of my business whether Professor Lupin does anything "doggy-style". It is equally none of my business whether Neville Longbottom does anything "froggy-style".

178. I will not convince three of the school ghosts to annoy Professor Snape on Christmas Eve.

179. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate. Especially in reference to Professor Umbridge.

180. Professor Snape will not appreciate being called Aragorn.

181. When Professor Snape says my name, I will not respond with "How may I service you?" I will not say that to anyone.

182. I will not accuse Professor Snape of giving me lice during our sexcapades, especially during class.

183. I will not try to set Crookshanks up with Mrs. Norris, even though I think it'd be really funny. I would definitely not try to set up Crookshanks and McGonagall.

184. I will not dance naked on Snape's desk.

185. The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers are not affiliated with the Ministry of Magic.

186. Professor Snape is not the Metatron. Nor is he a Muggle terrorist hiding from Bruce Willis. Nor is Dobby actually Gollum, and I should stop trying to get The One Ring from him.

187. Professor McGonagall is not a hamster, and Professor Dumbledore does not smell of elderberries.

188. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet." I am also not to refer to Professor Dumbledore as "Ops". Or to tell the first-years that they'll be "cancelled" for doing badly in Potions.

189. Leaving a vase filled with pussy willow buds on Professor McGonnagall's desk will result in a week's detention.

190. I will not wear a corset and fishnets under my Gryffindor house robes.  I will not speculate as to whether Professor Snape wears them under his robes, either.  Nor will I check to see for myself.

191. Professor Snape's real name is not "Galstaff, Sorcerer of Light".

192. Professor Dumbledore does not need Viagra.

193. I will not tell first years that Moon Prism Power is a basic Transfiguration spell. Moon Tiara Magic is not a proper spell, either.

194. I will not check Professor McGonagall's blood for copper content, nor the tips of her ears for points.

195. It is not permissible to swing Professor Flitwick around by his feet and throw him out of the garden.

196. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". The same goes double for Voldemort. Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta. Especially to their faces.

197. Professor Dumbledore does not care about which students I have 'got into the sack.' Nor does Profesdor McGonagall. Or Snape. Or any Professor for that matter.

198. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.  Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'

199. I will not set up a Celebrity Deathmatch between Professor McGonagall and Granny Weatherwax, even if I can get Mills Lane to referee. Or a pudding-wrestling match, either.

200. I will not say sympathetically to Professor Snape, "Brain the size of a planet...and they ask you to teach Potions class."

201. I must never sing "Bad Moon Rising" around Professor Lupin. Or "Moondance". And definitely not "Werewolves of London".

202. Showing students photos of Snape in a Speedo is cruel, especially right before lessons on confronting a boggart.

203. The boggart's first name is not Humphrey.

204. Professor Snape does not need to participate in Pon Farr. Nor does Dobby. Especially with each other.

205. Casting illusion spells to give Professor Snape a pair of ruby high heels during class period is unacceptable behavior. Or at any other time.

206. The Proper response to any question from Professor Snape is never "Yippy Ky Yay Mother F*cker!"

207. Even if I should manage the spell to animate my luggage, I am not allowed to feed Mrs. Norris to it. Or any of the first year students.


208. I will not claim that Professor Snape is "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," nor will I demand that he prove this claim false.

209. I am not to proclaim in Divination class that Professor Flitwick will someday appear in a Travelocity.com advertising campaign.

210. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus. Neither is Professor Snape. Nor are the Weasley Twins.

211. Telling Professor Snape that he has a very big wand is inappropriate.

212. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong. So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

213. I will not set up hidden Muggle loudspeakers to blare "Gay Boyfriend" whenever Remus Lupin enters a classroom. Nor will I play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play both.

214. I will never employ the names "Headmaster Bumblebore," "Snivellus Snark," or, heaven forbid, "Gildedboy Frockhart". But, again under the general Malfoy rule exception, I may use "Waco Cowboy" with relative impunity.

215. There is no rule against disseminating tasteful Snape-on-McGonagall pornography. No such thing exists.

216. I will not spread rumors that Trelawney is "riding" Firenze after hours.

217. "Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to supspect that she is planning to kill you.
218. Replacing any of Professot Trelawney's Tarot decks with Yu-Gi-Oh! cards is not funny.

219. No matter how many house points he takes from Gryffindor, Snape does not deserve to be set up on a blind date with Trelawney. Or Umbridge. No one deserves that. No one.

220. Milo Rambaldi's prophecies are not required reading in Divination. And I should not mix up his green goo in Potions, either.

221. While Dumbledore is a brilliant man, he does not see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste in Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

222. My name is not Indigo Montoya. Albus Dumbledore did not kill my father, and he does not need to prepare to die.

223. In my third year, I am not to ask Headmaster Dumbledore if he's just used one of his alloted regenerations.

224. The teaching staff are not Dumbledore's "Filthy assistants".

225. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

226. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.

227. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

228. Headmaster Dumbledore has nothing to do with CI5.

229. I will not call any of my teachers "Glinda."

230. Astronomy class is not an appropriate venue to contact aliens.

231. I am not to reference the 'Dungeon Master Guide' in essay or research project.  Nor any other D&D book.  No, not even the Monster Manual.

232. I am not on a quest to find the Soul Edge, I will not try and convince tutors that I am.

233. I cannot obtain weapons grade uranium for use in potions classes. Especially if I find any spells which will use it.

234. I will stop attempting to turn librarians into Orangutans. Especially if it works. It is also considered wrong to try bribing them with bananas.